Happy Birthday Leslie - The Big 3-0

Her favorite - angel food cake with fresh strawberries.

Today was a really tough day, it was supposed to be a day of surprise, joy and lots of calories. Alas, it was just another day pushing forward to a deadline, one that really can't come fast enough. It's here in (now) five days and I'm so freaking far from being ready it makes my head hurt.

I started the day rolling out of bed and trying to get Ellie to school so that I could take the car to the dealership to repair the front bumper and misc pieces after a deer decided to hop in front of me shortly after having it's breakfast a week ago. Chunks of chewed grass and spit hit the windshield and the ever-aware Ellie asked from the back seat 'Is that the deer's blood daddy?" "No, Ellie, it's most likely parts of its breakfast. We didn't kill the deer Ellie, we just hurt it really bad," I said. Then the obvious next question came out,"Is is going to be okay Daddy?" and so went the conversation for the next 10 minutes as we rolled in to see the doctor at the Saturday clinic to treat Ellie's UTI that hadn't been fixed for almost 2 weeks - and for those ladies out there it had been a ROUGH two weeks at the O'Bannon household. Anyway, back to the present, I wanted to get there first thing so I could get on to the LONG list, but alas getting a four-year-old out the door i the morning is like moving a wet noodle in the boiling water - tricky at best. I arrive at 8:30 and drop it off without too much trouble and it's raining. NO umbrella - sweet. So set the tone for the day.

Five years ago Leslie surprised me in December with most of my friends being at my house and catching me off guard with a surprise birthday party. She was pregnant with Ellie at the time and the weather was horrible as we'd just had a recent snowfall. I had gotten up that day and done the usual early morning snow shoveling - lots of ice melt on the 50-degree-incline-driveway and set out for the day. It was near Christmas so the luminaries were out and all was festive, and I of course had no clue what the day had in store for me five years ago. It wasn't so much memorable until the party. I came home from someplace that made me sweaty or dirty or both - I can't remember which, but I do remember being completely surprised and feeling WAY underdressed for the occasion and then running upstairs to change for the guests. She got me good that day and I immediately thought to myself I looked forward to the day that I would get to return the favor of a surprise party. Of course I had plan of going big and bold as usual, but I hadn't really thought it all out, but just knew I was going to really enjoy seeing the look on her face and feeling great that I had gotten her back.

That was supposed to be today, or at least a day around today. Maybe a day early or a day late, but it would have been planed for near the 1st of June, 2009 - thirty years after the Lord had placed her hear with all of us. Unfortunately that day never happened the way we all thought it would. That day - today - didn't play out anything like I thought it would.

It was a day where Ellie started a new 'class' at her daycare - the transition to the Mozarts from the Bachs Room (from the 3 yr olds to the 4s) and I cried as I left. Sucks seeing Ellie grow up right in front of me and I feel alone in cherishing these moments. I'm choosing what pictures go up on the walls and which ones stay packed away and it doesn't feel right to make the decisions alone. I'm crossing that bridge I dreaded so long ago about what things stay in the house and what goes. Fucking sucks. Sorry to finally make this blog 'R' rated but the wound is open and I don't know how to close the damn thing. I feel torn in eight different directions, trying to cover all the bases, working my ass off to do all the things needed to keep the boat floating and really feeling like it's either a lost cause, not worth fighting for or just too damn tired to care anymore.

The Lord has sustained me throughout this whole mess and I pray that he continues to do so because I'm sure it's not by my power that I'll make it. This past weekend was 'Celebration Sunday' at my church and it was all about praising God for the many blessings our church has done, has received and has given - all in the name of God. It was inspirational, it was uplifting, it made me want to jump out of my seat and give a tearful testament to God for all of the things he has given me in the last 2 and half years since my life was blown apart. That day seems so far away, yet it's only 36 hours past. Life is definitely a ride of hills and valleys and I know that the Lord is my driver and I try to be the best co-pilot I can, but I'm tellg you what, sometimes it would be great to be able to climb on to the back and just put my head out the window and watch it all go by while I feel the wind in my hair and smell the flowers in my nose. But that's not possible and the map needs to be read and the course plotted for tomorrow, for the next transition, for the next birthday.

Happy Birthday Leslie, the big three oh.