Into The Dark

The work is always easier with big machines.

You know I just finally said to heck with it, just write damnit. I have so much floating in my head and I'm so behind on the 'progress' of the house that I always felt trapped - couldn't do one without doing the other. So now it's going to be a bit haphazard but I'll try to keep things as clear as possible. I did crank on a few pics of early November and I hope to go through some current thoughts afterward.

First is the 'work day' on about the 1st of November (it could have been the 3rd or 4th). I was pleasantly surprised that my father-in-law Russ came up from Pella to help and he brought his brother, Stan, and I put both of them to work! The project for the day/weekend was ripping out the driveway before Fall left and Winter set in. As it turned out, the timing couldn't have been better as it was - literally- the last 3 days of Fall before the sub-zero temps and rain/snow set in until this weekend's weather of the 50's. Anyway, Russ started cutting back the earth near Ellie's Park that would allow for a retaining wall to be installed the next day (Saturday). I jumped in a skid loader and was tearing into the driveway when I handed it over to Stan and then I jumped in the OTHER skid loader to move dirt. When we all weren't working like mad men I was taking pics for a story for a trade magazine.

See, the rental of one skid loader was donated by the local Bobcat dealer - the same dealership that had donated a year ago for the work day that the Central College students came to help and a few friends Vermeer helped clear the back yard and clear some trees. This time though, it was all about how an everyday-Joe-homeowner could use multiple attachments of a Bobcat to get lots done. Great story, angle, PR stunt. It was a win-win for everyone! The other loader was donated by Shana's dad who has one for his business. I owe him HUGE as he's let me have that multiple times.

That day went really fast and we tore it all out and I went through 5 MORE dumpsters - crazy, I thought I was done with those things. The next day I was ready for 3-4 workers to put in walls and tear out the driveway, except the driveway was already out and I had 6-7 volunteers. Nuts how the Lord provides MORE than you need... so I had two ladies inside cleaning the house (because they WANTED to - really!) and 5 guys outside throwing around pea gravel and landscaping blocks while also leveling the ground for the cement forms to be ready. I also fell victim to 'while you're doing that, you SHOULD really do this..' advice and I also pulled the entire walk way and sidewalks. Needless to say the project once again grew larger than originally planned. To cap this entry, the guys came on Tuesday and laid the forms, poured the cement and finished the whole job in ONE DAY. Nuts. Over 5,000 square feet in 10 hours, it still blows me away. Good thing because as I said, the weather hasn't been good since that day and I would've had a half complete driveway this whole winter - very bad. For now I'll just show the destruction since this one is already too long;-)
The before images:Front/Back view

Before:Nice plywood sidewalk/The start of a hole

The Bobcat working/Tears up the driveway in no time

Stan cleaning things up/Russ starts the bed irrigation

Russ Starts cutting the edge/Then rests a bit


SATURDAY
Greg & Russ trench/Dan does a dance with the drainage tube

Ron is all business/Greg isn't.

Sean's where he LOVES to be/And does some fine tuning

Ron starts the first row/I use another attachment to dig

Colin, Kevin and Ron push through/I get a lift

The boys are going a good click/Uncle Al and Mark do hand work

A little pumpkin suicide/Mark isn't so sure

Ron & Russ dance with plastic/Pumpkin smashing over back to business

I get help from Jake putting in the line before concrete/Sam plays

A 'finished' wall!/An installed sprinkler system!


On to current times for a bit: The most recent and bigegst news is that I ended a year and a half relationship with someone that has been an amazing blessing for me. I honestly can't put into words just how important Shana has been to me over these past 18 months in every aspect of love, friendship, child rearing, faith building, patience, understandning and all areas of support and communication. Why then end the relationship? Because in the walk with Shana I had always thought that the shared pathway would make the eventual entrance into the 'dark room' of Leslie's loss easier, or that I might be able to go in with someone, or at least have someone just outside the door while I searched for the light switch. As it turns out, I got to a place where that 'dark room' was all that I had in front of me. It was at every turn - all that I could think of and all that consumed my day from the moment of rising to the last ray of light as I went to bed. It came to be something that I knew as hard as I had tried to work through with someone a lot of the things about mourning and love lost, I had still to address Leslie face-to-face with no one around. Complicating that experience/process with a significant other only makes that harder, more complicated and in the end, not as true. So I did a very hard thing, I told Shana that as hard as I tried, my heart was still with Leslie and that in order for me to be able to give it to anyone, I needed to walk into this room alone - without anyone outside the door waiting for me. Sure I still have friends and family that await a call, invite to lunch or the occasional email, but for the most part that room is dark, cold and still lurking. Finding the new source of light inside will not be easy, and I wish I didn't have to do it alone, but I know that with the Lord by my side I will find it. This is by far the hardest thing I've had to face in my life. The loss of my father when I was 26, just after graduation from college, or my other names sake, Grandpa John, died 5 years ago (and then Grandma OB a year ago), or the loss of one of my best friends in high school were all life-changing, they formed who I am and how I see my faith as a driving force and how I understand death to be a very reall part of life. None of those, I think, have or will have changed who I am and the course that I will take from here on out. There are of course the obvious things like Ellie, or the fact that Leslie was that person that I loved at my core. There was also the most important part - she brought me back to the Lord and showed me how to have a relationship with Him. This process that I'm in won't be an easy or quick process I'm sure, but I think I'm ready. It probably won't be something that I complete and then never return to it. No, I'm sure it will be ever-present for some time. What's it going to be like, how long will it take? I have no dea. It took me two years before I think I could remove myself from the actual accident and having enough 'things' pass that I am now in a place that I think I can have some objectivity that I can gleen lessons learned as well as hopefully have some of my heart start to heal in some permanent ways. All of these things I hope are true as I have no idea if they are, but I can only begin to find out by taking that first step into the darkness.