The feet that help me dance everyday
I'll start by warning you that I have no idea where the direction of this entry is going so bear with me. It's a tough one because if you've been following the last two entries we're at the beginning of November in timeline supplemented with modern-day follow-ups. Also if you've noticed I left off at Nov. 8 - five days before the you-know-what. So I'm jumping in that pool and letting you all in on what I did November 13th, 2008 - the 2nd anniversary of Leslie's accident. I'll also share with you that in only what I can describe as a 'coincidence', my iTunes has just begun to play 'It Is Well with My Soul'. I'm not sure if this could get any heavier, but I'm going to dive in regardless.
I started November 13, rising and singing to Ellie as I have come accustomed to doing lately now that I'm home more and I think it helps the both of us to start our day on a happier note - no pun intended, We had a 'special breakfast' at Old McDonald's of eggs, pancakes and cinnamon rolls. Then we were off to Pella for the day and then back home for a 'party' of sorts. More on that later.
We arrived in Pella and per my MO I relied on the moment to provide. I assumed Wal-Mart would have flowers since I didn't think the flowers would keep (which is ironic since I left them outside in 30 degree weather - whatever). So I walk in with Ellie and of course there are no flowers to be found. So per my other MO, I asked the nearest worker there to help me since I don't like to waste my time wandering about trying to find them - she happily went to the back coolers - and as 'the moment' would have it, the truck had just delivered the next 3 days-worth of flowers. Huh. I picked out the best two bunches and was on the way.
We pulled up to 'Ellie's Bench' and hopped out. Ellie identified it without help whatsoever - 'It's right there Daddy. It has O-B-A-N-N-O-N on the front!' Walking up I noticed a small bear had been laid the day before with a single rose. Leslie always liked roses. Ellie was checking out the bench because it was the first time that there wasn't snow everywhere or too cold to actually sit on it or asleep in the back seat when we had stopped by in times before. She asked what the picture was o the seat, although she knew that it was Daddy and Mommy. 'What are all these words on the back Daddy?' 'Where do we put the flowers Daddy?' "Can I sit on my bench Daddy?' I tried to answer the questions as quickly as they were being fired at me and honestly it took away some of the pain that I had expected to experience driving to the cemetery. We unwrapped the flowers and placed them in the small vase and took some photos. It was a beautiful morning that day and the sun glistened off the jet-black marble and warmed my face as I tried to take a moment of silence with my love. Half way through a conversation with Leslie, I was again interrupted by 'Daddy, look at me running through these rocks!" Looking up I see my little angel running through the adjoining headstones trying not to fall over from the sideways slope of the hill. Immediately a smile took over my face and the sounds of a giggling 3-year-old filled my ears. 'Daddy les play hiden seek!" So yes, Ellie and I played a full game of Hide and Seek amongst the head stones where my wife lay. It was a remarkable turn of events that to this day makes me smile and will forever change the way I think of that place. Everyday I am so blessed to have been given that wonderful gift of my little girl, but no day was it so clear. Although Leslie wasn't there to laugh and run with us in the grass, I don't think she was too far away.
We then went to Papa Russ' office that is just around the corner. If there ever was a case of someone being able to walk into a room and demanding attention without trying to do so - it belongs to Ellie in just about any room she goes into. Grandpa came out 'working' and not paying attention to anything but that and a little voice broke his concentration immediately. 'Graaaaandpa!!' One word and the whole play became smiles and a place of play. After raiding the sticker drawer, getting an adjustment, crying a little in Russ' office and giving my 'Dad' a hug, we left to have lunch - with Grandma at the hospital.
Ellie had never seen where Caryn works, although she very clearly understood that 'Grandma has to go to work' and that was at a hospital to help people. Again, the call of 'Grandmaaa!!!' stopped the world that was within earshot. The common all-out sprint-to-open-arms in the middle of the hospital, followed by the non-stop chatter of what we've done so far in the day again brought the smile back. We sat and enjoyed lunch, although Ellie was really more concerned about the dessert and tried to barter less bites of real food for more dessert. She's smooth I tell ya. Then we were off to take a 'quick' tour of the wing that Grandma works and to meet the co-workers that we often hear of. Of course we couldn't get out of there with our hands empty, oh no, we had a bag full of 'doctor's clothes' (nursing scrubs complete with foot booties and hair nets!). Oh the hours to look forward to of playing doctor or nurse!
Leaving there we headed back to home to prepare for something that would be unusual - but the entire day was unusual right? We had to ready the house for a dinner/'party' of the grandparents, great-grandparents, my girlfriend and her kids. It still sounds kind of awkward, but really, it all turned out okay. In the full support that Shana has and had always given me, this was just another situation of gathering the family and at the time she was working in to become part of that family. I know to those outside the everyday process this may sound awkward, but if you think about it, my life will always include the Van Hemerts - for MANY different reasons - and if there is ever to be another woman in my life, she is going to have to accept my past AND my entire family. I hope that isn't too much to ask/expect of that person, but it's critical to me. Along those lines Shana accepting of that. As folks arrived there were a few moments here and there of uneasiness, but they soon disappeared - and I'll give you one guess why. Ellie again commanded the evening. With the newly acquired doctor's clothes we all were roped into being a patient, a fellow surgeon, or just a bystander that was often asked for approvals or ideas for symptoms/remedies for the newest patient. What could have been a very awkward evening turned into a great ending for a full and event-filled day.
The 'head doc' poses for a pic/She still talks with her hands
Ellie and Sam/Ham it up whenever a camera's close
The Patient/Getting told how to wear a hat
Jake has a broken arm/That must be ticklish
Ohhh the funny bandades/GreatGrandma listens to a story
Patient Grandma/Gets the full body cast
It's all a good laugh/For everyone
Sam shares his doctor tales with me
Looking back I can come to many conclusions like Ellie is my sunshine everyday and the day I needed it most, she shone the brightest. I love my family and I know they love me. Although we all may be without a connecting piece in Leslie, we all have made the deliberate decision to remain connected to each other. This tragedy will not divide us; rather make us stronger, both as individuals and as a group. The Lord is mighty. I can point to many instances throughout the day where I see the Lord's hand at work and it still gives me strength and confidence. I still love my wife with all that I have and I miss her immensely. I'm not sure what the days, moths and years ahead have in store for me, but I do know that love from a soul mate IS possible and IS amazing when it happens. Even when it happens that you experience that kind of love AND you even praise the Lord everyday for that blessing, it can be taken in an instant from you - you should STILL be thankful and live everyday to its fullest and not worry about whether that day could be the last.
I often think of that day just over two years ago when I woke up i the morning to the sound of Leslie rustling in the closet, preparing for the day ahead. I knew she was anxious for the flight, for the meeting, for the months that were coming in which we were preparing for other major changes. That day was a good day, it was a day like any before it that I was gifted with a wife that loved me completely, a child that was beautiful and the center of my world, a job that I loved to do and people I loved to work with, I had a house, a car, all the trappings of a 'successful' man-to-be all lined up. The most important was I had a faith that was growing by leaps and bounds and little did I know that it would all be tested, and in some cases taken away, by the following day. I have tried to replay that day in my head hundreds of times, trying to remember more details and in some instances I do. The one area I can't get to be any clearer is those few precious moments that I laid in our bed, listening to her ready for the flight. Her gentle kiss and then watching her disappear down the stairs...Why can't I remember her scent? I know she had perfume on, always subtle but always there. Why can't I remember how her hair flowed through my fingers as I let her go? I'm SURE that I touched it the night before as we fell asleep. I miss her shape fitting perfectly into mine as we fell asleep. I miss touching her ice-cold feet as we 'connected' on last time before we fell asleep every night. It was a small gesture, but no matter WHAT the day had been - a fight or a great day or a tiring day or an everyday-day, we could also connect one last time as we drifted off to sleep. That simple, small touch of the feet was confirmation that 'I'm here, I love you, forever.' I miss that. I miss her. I still have the love, but I no longer have 'my love'.
Some day I'm sure Ellie will have all of these entries to read. Some she may read and some she may not. Either way I hope she understands the kind of woman her mother was and the kind of love that I have for her. Although there may or there may not be another woman out there that I can accept and who can accept me for all of my faults, baggage and rough edges, I hope that Ellie knows that I love her mother with all of my heart. Some day my heart might be able to 'grow to love another', there is forever a place that is Leslie's, a place that is sacred and I hope I'm able to show that to Ellie in a way that enables her to love as we did and have the hope that it WILL last forever and not to hold back. That is my mission, to help myself and my little girl love with everything that is inside. Yes this hurts like hell, but I will be the first to say I would do it all again - even knowing the outcome - because Leslie was worth it.
