Shoes Not Allowed

Mi casa, su casa!

Well this past weekend was a huge one - Ellie and I moved out from Hotel de Lynch and into our new home!! Well, really we just moved out stuff from one attic space to the master bedroom of our new house but this place is ours and it's actually livable and we actually have our own roof to sleep under. We don't have a funtioning bathroom or kitchen or laundry room or really have any of the safety items in place that we should before moving in like outlet covers or smoke detectors, but that is going to change (hopefully) in the next few days (or weeks ;-). I can just see Leslie squirming in her chair right now that her little girl could stick her finger in an outlet or fall through the floor i the 2nd floor bathroom before the new sub-floor is installed, but rest assured I am hustling along so that doesn't happen. Let's not get caught in the details shall we? We are actually sleeping in the home that so many people have lost sweat pulling nails or installing insulation, pulled out trees in the back yard and then planted new ones right after, scratched their knuckles scraping off mortar from piles of bricks for the new foundation or drilling holes to run plumbing or froze their tushes off tearing down plaster and lathe and yanking out walls that were in the way of progress. We are living it - we are living the dream. This dream was started over 16 months ago and in a very real way has come true. I cannot thank you enough for helping me get here. The road is still in front of me, but I believe that the worst part of the journey is hopefully behind me. More of this reflection later - I'm getting a bit ahead of myself.

On Saturday I had Brittany, Elisha, Ryan, Sean, Shana, Ron and his son Kirby all show up to help get ready for this step. Shana had spent ALL week working a few hours a day cleaning the first and second floors to eliminate as much dust and dirt aas possible. On Saturday I was able to put Brit on staining the areas that needed touch up from too heavy of sanding and other areas that were neew (i.e. the edges of the 1/4 round base shoe), Ryan on lightly sanding the varnished areas to prep for a final coating and Ron and Kirby and I all varnished like mad men in the living room. Shana and Elisha spent the day cleaning the basement after the carpenters finished installing the bar. It was a mess and very tedious but really made a huge difference. Crazy how much I/others have spent cleaning over the course of this project - it makes the job site so much more tolerable and I think helps people come back. Working in an organized fashion not only gets more done, I think it also makes people happier when they can just show up and know that I have things all ready and they aren't wasting their time or effort. At least I hope that's the case since I've spent so much time making that a priority.

Brit stains the mantle/...and then the mirror frame

Kirby varnishes the ceiling beams/As does Ron

I help Kirby varnish/Ryan sands the door jam

Oh the myriad of glass/Will be great fun cleaning

Brit stains the base shoe/I varnish the mirror frame


Well the night before - Friday, we unveiled the coolest thing - Ellie's new room! I had intentionally not looked as it was being finished and since I last put up the photos of the colored walls because I wanted it to be a surprise for me as well. Man it was well worth the wait! I was amazed. I don't think I can state how important Ellie is to me for so many reasons. I have thought many times that my life really is just about providing this little girl with the absolute best that I can - the education that pushes her mind, the athletics that develop her drive and character, the faith that grounds her and the love that lifts her. This room is the best I can ever think of that will give her a safe place to play, a great place to grow and a warm place to feel her mom's warm thoughts. I had a room full of family there to share in the inauguration and there were moments that I felt as though we were the only two in the room. I can see the joy and excitement in her eyes and it's hard not getting lost in that. We all had dinner in the newly tiled (heated tile no less) kitchen and tried to make it as much a homecoming as possible without running water ;-) Really though, who needs running water or a plugged in refrigerator when all you really need is the loving family and friends that fill the home. It was truly a great moment and a great night.

Ellie's room all decked out!

Ooh the unveiling/Help me down Daddy

Daddy I love the fence/Do you see the club house?

I luuv it!


The week (and night) had gotten away from me and I couldn't actually move in though on Friday as planned and then spent the evening after the enveiling with my friend Greg at the Lynch's packing until 11:00 p.m. It was great to spend time with him even thogh he had come to help move, he ended up doing what I have as a pet peeve - packing the person's crap when you promised we'd be moving it! Not that I don't like to pack - I do - I just don't like one thing said and then waste everyone's time doing the other. Anyway, the packing afforded us some time to talk as old friends should (and should more often). Part of the night was lifting a lot of heavy boxes, but most of it was catching up on families jobs and the like. I brought up the previous night's packing had given me some time to do some solo packing (but obviously too much for one night or by myself) and I was consolidating two boxes of Leslie's items.

One box was her work office items and the other was of items from the actual crash. As I was combining the two boxes I felt for the first time what everyone had asked me about since day two after the accident - anger. Until Thursday evening I had never felt anger of any kind. As you can imagine that threw a lot of people off, in some instance uncomfortably so. The main reason though was who was I going to be angry at? There has to be someone to blame for anger to make sense. Who was I going to get angry with - God? He didn't make the plane crash, or even 'allow' it to crash. It crashed because of things that are still under investigation - and may never be proven. Do I get mad at the pilot? It's not like he got away scott free. Seriously who was I to be mad at - the agency? They are my friends and my wife was a friend to everyone there, they wouldn't put her in harms way. There's no one to be mad at. Instead I knew that I needed to lean on these people for help. The five people taken had friends, they had family just like me and we were all in the same crappy boat. Over the past 15 months these people have helped me and many others that in some cases didn't even know me or anyone on the plane. That's why Thursday night cut so deeply into me and has been difficult to shake.

I have felt many things, the loss, the hurt, the broken heart, but Thursday was the first time I felt truly mad. I was mad at the wasted future. The promises that cannot be fulfilled. The moments that will never be memories. I was angry because I cannot ever have the life I worked so hard to create, trusted in the Lord to provide and gleefully enjoyed living every day until November 13th, 2006. I was mad and I couldn't look on the brighter side like usual or see the hand of God working or know that I wasn't alone in experiencing because I was alone. On top of that, I am moving to a house that will provide more moments of quiet and aloneness than I care to admit. I was packing up again the memories and moments that have turned my life completely upside down and it was hard to not be completely consumed by them.

As expected Greg was quiet and didn't have much to say and I don't think I necessarily wanted/needed him to say anything. It was good to talk it through with a good friend. He was here when my father passed away when I was 21 and when our good friend from High School passed away when we were 17 and will be here for whatever else may come. The point I guess of all of this writing is that the move that is yet to happen - of all of the rest of our things that once filled our home is still out there. I have spent much of the past 15 months talking and writing and listening, the part of really living again is scary and I know it's coming. It's arrival will be difficult and a relief all at the same time. I know that all those who have been with me to this point will continue to be with me as thing progress both in my prayers and in my heart. Thank you everyone for helping, for reading, for praying and for loving... you make the anger disappear.