The always shy Gabrielle folks...

Well it's time to catch you all up on the Christmas/winter season and I hope to do so in one entry. There hasn't been much house progress of note, but what is of mention is the amount of time I've been blessed to share with Ellie. THis is what all of everyone's efforts have been for and I'm more than simply 'happy' that it's coming to be a reality.

It's been a somewhat liberating winter as I was laid off from Meredith back in November. That has really allowed me to take some time for the house, but more importantly for Gabrielle. To give you a short recap, I was asked to the meeting room, and as I was walking down the hall I said to myself, "If there's someone from HR I know that it's not going to be good." Unfortunately not to my surprise, there was an HR rep and it wasn't good. I can only say that my boss is someone I will truly miss as she was a great person to work for, nearly every single person I worked with at Meredith - from everyone in the Books Group to those in MIM and the SIP group - all were a blessing to me. The co-workers and bosses that I enjoyed to work along over the past three years were true professionals as well as friends. It's an extremely rare situation that someone could say that for their place of business and I consider myself truly fortunate to be in that small group. Although my end was abrupt, my friendships and great connections will continue to last for many years to come.

The extra time allowed me to buckle down and work on a lot of little items on the to do list around the house. A few items were installing the master bathroom vanity, sinks and toilet. (Yes, I can actually USE my bathroom now.) I have completely rearranged the master closet and put my clothes IN DRAWERS - it's crazy but true. Doors were hung almost everywhere - there are still 4 to go but it's a start. Painting, continual cleaning, installing lights, installing switch and outlet covers and a bunch of other random jobs fill out the list. It really hasn't been an every night or even an every week thing, but I've tried to just stay focused on the task at hand. I would show a few pics, but I think the ones coming up are a bit more interesting and meaningful.

With all the time everyday to work on the resume, meet with potential bosses and a random todo item, the evenings have opened up for Ellie. Add on top of that the holiday season and it really made for a great time to play, sing and just finally be a fulltime Dad to Ellie. I can't tell you how much this has changed me. It had been two long years really working on the house in a state that required me to focus on the house before Ellie. While I'm not ashamed of that, nor would I ever have done it differently, I am most definitely happy the lion's share is over. I now get excited about playing dress-up three times a day, or dancing in the kitchen, or playing E BAke Oven AND then cleaning the dishes. We're still kind of working out the kinks of the schedule to include dinner and play time in the evening, but we do have a scheduled 'movie night' every Sunday that only requires handmade popcorn in the Whirly Pop, a small candy selection and a movie of Ellie's choosing. It's something that I adapted to the way that Leslie and I often spent our Sunday afternoons - relaxing, enjoying each other and the day that the Lord made for rest. While I might sneak in a load of laundry or a small todo project every once in a while, the majority of time we're chilling out and enjoying our time together.

One area of relaxation this time gave us was to play in the snow! I bought the snow blower attachement to the riding lawn mower instead of the blade due to the size of my drive way and Ellie has helped me on more than one occasion clearing the snow this winter. The greatest fun though was spending the day in Pella with the Van Hemerts and sledding in the small park accros the road from their apartment.

We had just gotten another 4-6 inches of 'fresh powder' and we all decided to hike out to the park with sleds in tow. It was a fantastic afternoon, right around 27 or so degrees but the kicker was no wind! IN Iowa, that's the deal maker/breaker. The sun was out and the skies were clear. The hill was only about 30' but I'm sure it seemed like a mountain to someone just over 3 feet tall (although I think she only went up the hill on her own feet twice). I got the inaugural ride with Ellie down the hill and then that was about it for the day. It turns out that she was more interested in the playground at the base of the hill, and then the playhouse on the other side. All in all the day was amazing and I'l let the photos speak for themselves.
All bundled up for the first snow/Head to toe

Taken by Ellie!/Buddy's not so syre

Bundled and ready to go

Russ tests the sled - success/Ellie tests my pulling ability

We head down/And enjoy the ride

Aunt B tries it out/Then goes vert

Ellie likes snow angel making/Brit not so vert anymore

Russ and Caryn buddy up/ROLLING down the hill

Russ tests gravity/Brit goes ol' school

Ellie sees the next thing/then tells everyone to follow

It's the sell/And we're off!

Brit's not giving up on the sledding

Russ is in for more too/Then buddy ride

Ellie finds the slide/Then a game of tag

Now follow the leader/Grandpa makes it harder

Grandma and Ellie/Oh the rough life

Ellie and Brit/PILE ONNN!!!!


We also had a great Christmas (make that about 4 Christmases) that was a landslide of gifts for Ellie. Our house is a bit more full after season, and unfortunately so are my pant sizes these days. As I introduced in the last entry, I'm trying to make me smaller. I thought I was going along smoothly until just about a week ago I actually stepped on a scale (my scale is still in a box in the 3-season porch). It turns out that I'm in a much worse place than I thought when I began. I am officially the heaviest I have EVER been. There is a lot of shame running through me these days and my physical condition is right there at the top of the list. If anyone has an idea for a 'jump start' plan, please let me know. I'll keep pushing and not get discouraged just yet, but I do have a mountain to climb. Thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts, I appreciate it more than you know. See you next week.

Leslie Was Worth It

The feet that help me dance everyday

I'll start by warning you that I have no idea where the direction of this entry is going so bear with me. It's a tough one because if you've been following the last two entries we're at the beginning of November in timeline supplemented with modern-day follow-ups. Also if you've noticed I left off at Nov. 8 - five days before the you-know-what. So I'm jumping in that pool and letting you all in on what I did November 13th, 2008 - the 2nd anniversary of Leslie's accident. I'll also share with you that in only what I can describe as a 'coincidence', my iTunes has just begun to play 'It Is Well with My Soul'. I'm not sure if this could get any heavier, but I'm going to dive in regardless.

I started November 13, rising and singing to Ellie as I have come accustomed to doing lately now that I'm home more and I think it helps the both of us to start our day on a happier note - no pun intended, We had a 'special breakfast' at Old McDonald's of eggs, pancakes and cinnamon rolls. Then we were off to Pella for the day and then back home for a 'party' of sorts. More on that later.

We arrived in Pella and per my MO I relied on the moment to provide. I assumed Wal-Mart would have flowers since I didn't think the flowers would keep (which is ironic since I left them outside in 30 degree weather - whatever). So I walk in with Ellie and of course there are no flowers to be found. So per my other MO, I asked the nearest worker there to help me since I don't like to waste my time wandering about trying to find them - she happily went to the back coolers - and as 'the moment' would have it, the truck had just delivered the next 3 days-worth of flowers. Huh. I picked out the best two bunches and was on the way.

We pulled up to 'Ellie's Bench' and hopped out. Ellie identified it without help whatsoever - 'It's right there Daddy. It has O-B-A-N-N-O-N on the front!' Walking up I noticed a small bear had been laid the day before with a single rose. Leslie always liked roses. Ellie was checking out the bench because it was the first time that there wasn't snow everywhere or too cold to actually sit on it or asleep in the back seat when we had stopped by in times before. She asked what the picture was o the seat, although she knew that it was Daddy and Mommy. 'What are all these words on the back Daddy?' 'Where do we put the flowers Daddy?' "Can I sit on my bench Daddy?' I tried to answer the questions as quickly as they were being fired at me and honestly it took away some of the pain that I had expected to experience driving to the cemetery. We unwrapped the flowers and placed them in the small vase and took some photos. It was a beautiful morning that day and the sun glistened off the jet-black marble and warmed my face as I tried to take a moment of silence with my love. Half way through a conversation with Leslie, I was again interrupted by 'Daddy, look at me running through these rocks!" Looking up I see my little angel running through the adjoining headstones trying not to fall over from the sideways slope of the hill. Immediately a smile took over my face and the sounds of a giggling 3-year-old filled my ears. 'Daddy les play hiden seek!" So yes, Ellie and I played a full game of Hide and Seek amongst the head stones where my wife lay. It was a remarkable turn of events that to this day makes me smile and will forever change the way I think of that place. Everyday I am so blessed to have been given that wonderful gift of my little girl, but no day was it so clear. Although Leslie wasn't there to laugh and run with us in the grass, I don't think she was too far away.

We then went to Papa Russ' office that is just around the corner. If there ever was a case of someone being able to walk into a room and demanding attention without trying to do so - it belongs to Ellie in just about any room she goes into. Grandpa came out 'working' and not paying attention to anything but that and a little voice broke his concentration immediately. 'Graaaaandpa!!' One word and the whole play became smiles and a place of play. After raiding the sticker drawer, getting an adjustment, crying a little in Russ' office and giving my 'Dad' a hug, we left to have lunch - with Grandma at the hospital.

Ellie had never seen where Caryn works, although she very clearly understood that 'Grandma has to go to work' and that was at a hospital to help people. Again, the call of 'Grandmaaa!!!' stopped the world that was within earshot. The common all-out sprint-to-open-arms in the middle of the hospital, followed by the non-stop chatter of what we've done so far in the day again brought the smile back. We sat and enjoyed lunch, although Ellie was really more concerned about the dessert and tried to barter less bites of real food for more dessert. She's smooth I tell ya. Then we were off to take a 'quick' tour of the wing that Grandma works and to meet the co-workers that we often hear of. Of course we couldn't get out of there with our hands empty, oh no, we had a bag full of 'doctor's clothes' (nursing scrubs complete with foot booties and hair nets!). Oh the hours to look forward to of playing doctor or nurse!

Leaving there we headed back to home to prepare for something that would be unusual - but the entire day was unusual right? We had to ready the house for a dinner/'party' of the grandparents, great-grandparents, my girlfriend and her kids. It still sounds kind of awkward, but really, it all turned out okay. In the full support that Shana has and had always given me, this was just another situation of gathering the family and at the time she was working in to become part of that family. I know to those outside the everyday process this may sound awkward, but if you think about it, my life will always include the Van Hemerts - for MANY different reasons - and if there is ever to be another woman in my life, she is going to have to accept my past AND my entire family. I hope that isn't too much to ask/expect of that person, but it's critical to me. Along those lines Shana accepting of that. As folks arrived there were a few moments here and there of uneasiness, but they soon disappeared - and I'll give you one guess why. Ellie again commanded the evening. With the newly acquired doctor's clothes we all were roped into being a patient, a fellow surgeon, or just a bystander that was often asked for approvals or ideas for symptoms/remedies for the newest patient. What could have been a very awkward evening turned into a great ending for a full and event-filled day.
The 'head doc' poses for a pic/She still talks with her hands

Ellie and Sam/Ham it up whenever a camera's close

The Patient/Getting told how to wear a hat

Jake has a broken arm/That must be ticklish

Ohhh the funny bandades/GreatGrandma listens to a story

Patient Grandma/Gets the full body cast

It's all a good laugh/For everyone

Sam shares his doctor tales with me


Looking back I can come to many conclusions like Ellie is my sunshine everyday and the day I needed it most, she shone the brightest. I love my family and I know they love me. Although we all may be without a connecting piece in Leslie, we all have made the deliberate decision to remain connected to each other. This tragedy will not divide us; rather make us stronger, both as individuals and as a group. The Lord is mighty. I can point to many instances throughout the day where I see the Lord's hand at work and it still gives me strength and confidence. I still love my wife with all that I have and I miss her immensely. I'm not sure what the days, moths and years ahead have in store for me, but I do know that love from a soul mate IS possible and IS amazing when it happens. Even when it happens that you experience that kind of love AND you even praise the Lord everyday for that blessing, it can be taken in an instant from you - you should STILL be thankful and live everyday to its fullest and not worry about whether that day could be the last.

I often think of that day just over two years ago when I woke up i the morning to the sound of Leslie rustling in the closet, preparing for the day ahead. I knew she was anxious for the flight, for the meeting, for the months that were coming in which we were preparing for other major changes. That day was a good day, it was a day like any before it that I was gifted with a wife that loved me completely, a child that was beautiful and the center of my world, a job that I loved to do and people I loved to work with, I had a house, a car, all the trappings of a 'successful' man-to-be all lined up. The most important was I had a faith that was growing by leaps and bounds and little did I know that it would all be tested, and in some cases taken away, by the following day. I have tried to replay that day in my head hundreds of times, trying to remember more details and in some instances I do. The one area I can't get to be any clearer is those few precious moments that I laid in our bed, listening to her ready for the flight. Her gentle kiss and then watching her disappear down the stairs...Why can't I remember her scent? I know she had perfume on, always subtle but always there. Why can't I remember how her hair flowed through my fingers as I let her go? I'm SURE that I touched it the night before as we fell asleep. I miss her shape fitting perfectly into mine as we fell asleep. I miss touching her ice-cold feet as we 'connected' on last time before we fell asleep every night. It was a small gesture, but no matter WHAT the day had been - a fight or a great day or a tiring day or an everyday-day, we could also connect one last time as we drifted off to sleep. That simple, small touch of the feet was confirmation that 'I'm here, I love you, forever.' I miss that. I miss her. I still have the love, but I no longer have 'my love'.

Some day I'm sure Ellie will have all of these entries to read. Some she may read and some she may not. Either way I hope she understands the kind of woman her mother was and the kind of love that I have for her. Although there may or there may not be another woman out there that I can accept and who can accept me for all of my faults, baggage and rough edges, I hope that Ellie knows that I love her mother with all of my heart. Some day my heart might be able to 'grow to love another', there is forever a place that is Leslie's, a place that is sacred and I hope I'm able to show that to Ellie in a way that enables her to love as we did and have the hope that it WILL last forever and not to hold back. That is my mission, to help myself and my little girl love with everything that is inside. Yes this hurts like hell, but I will be the first to say I would do it all again - even knowing the outcome - because Leslie was worth it.