This entry will be less about the house progress and more about my personal progress over the last month or two. It will include ome things I've done with Ellie, some reflection time I've taken and even some freelance work that has given me a bit of confidence that I actually still can design.
Lets' start with the best part, Ellie's dance debut as a Junior member of the Shine Dance Team at Pella Christian, a dance team that Leslie had a large hand in turning around from a somewhat mediocre and not really school-supported team into a growing team sport that allows young women find their rhythem, grace, team work and a way to praise the Lord all in one place. I can remember back when she took on the project and completely immersed herself in the team. It wasn't enough to just find music and create routines that entertained crowds or won State Competitions (which unfortunately she never was blessed to see the fruits of her and their labors turn into said awards. Although the teams tried hard and gave every bit of what they had at Leslie's prodding, it just wasn't there. It turned up the year after she was killed that the team finally achieved a category 'One' in competition for a dance they performed (on a rising scale of 4-1). I can remember the days after Leslie's crash, the girls were under a different coach at the time, but still were connected to her and State competition was only a few days away and the girls weren't sure if they were going to be able to perform. Myself, Russ and Caryn stopped in to talk with the team to see where their heads were and to maybe try to convince them to follow through on competing. I can remember some discussions back and forth and then ending with tears throughout the room being rampant. I waited a moment and the room fell silent, I stepped a half step forward, looked around and made eye contact with as many girls possible while saying to them, "Leslie was so proud of every single girl in this room, not because of the skills of dancing, but rather the ability to glorify the Lord by your dancing. Other schools may do this because they have been dancing since they were old enough to walk, others because it's another way to get out of PE class, but here at PC, it's for a different reason altogether, it's because we are blessed to show the glory of the Lord to all those we come accross and not apologize for it. We get to show how the Lord moves our feet, beats within our hearts and how our lives are changed by dancing for Him. Ladies, the question is not whether or not your perform, it's how well will you perform." Then I turned and walked out. Simple and straightforward. Not that my words had anything to do with it, but that team went out and earned its first Division One rating ever and ever fan of PC knew that a special fan was watching from above and was more proud than anyone. I was in the stands to watch that performance and I wanted to shout and whistle and holler like I'm known to do in such circumstances (as most of Pella can attest that I have been blessed with a LARGE voice), but all I could do was to stand, clap and feel the tears flow down my cheeks.
Fast forward 2 years and my little girl gets a personal invite to the day-long 5 years old and older camp as a 3 (almost 4) year old. I was almost more excited than she was! I still couldn't believe these girls even thought anymore about Ellie, but then again, knowing this town, these girls, our Lord - how could they NOT think of Ellie? I am still often humbled by the support and love that people share with us. She needed to be there by 8:00 am with t-shirt and sweats on and ready to work. Well Grandma Caryn took her and they had a great time. I arrived to practice with 30 minutes left and I think it was good timing for both of us. Although I was excited about it, the dancing and practice is still something that even this dad hasn't quite gotten fully 'interested' in, and I think she was at the end of her 3 year old attention span. I showed and she immediately lit up - I'm sure I did too. We took off at noon to let the 'big girls' practice and went to 'old McDonalds' for lunch. It was a great day and the big performance was only 6 hours away. It was amazing to see my little girl out there on the floor with all the other little girls and see just how much she has grown, how much Leslie has missed.
Ellie working it and getting her groove on!
The big night was upon us. Caryn had her dressed 'super cute' as I like to call it. (Cuter than I can manage to do unless someone buys the outfit for me.) She was all buzzed on the excitement and could feel the stage being set up for her. In some ways Ellie has been blessed to kind of be the center of attention in many of the circles we run. Mostly because of who she is, but also because of the history we've gone through. Needless to say she was living it up that night and many eyes were on her. The performance went off without a hitch and she did and amazing job.
How can you not smile looking at these?!
Take a look at the performance for yourself.
The rest of the show was outstanding. The new coach has really elevated the program to new heights that I don't think even Leslie thought possible in the short time that it's been. The respect that the team has now within the community and school has really changed as well. Although there's still room for growth there, the Gym was packed and it was a non-stop performance by the dance team for almost 2 hours. They brought in the boys into routines, musicals, and great routines. There of course was the farewells and the goodbyes, but one of the most powerful moments was a dance from the two senior captains. It was not so much the dancing (although captivating) but the audio recording they created with their voices on top of the music that was especially powerful. The line one said of "although we've had four coaches in four years' really cut me for some reason. Or maybe it just resonated and didn't cut, either way it struck a chord that again made me think of the one person not in the gym that often talked about the dream of watching her little girl dance, jump and show praise for her Lord. I know Leslie was proud of Ellie and I'm sure was dancing with her in her own way. Some day I hope to talk with her about it and listen to how she continued to check in on us and watch us. That night though, I was surrounded by something that Leslie started 4 years ago, that was such a huge part of her and something that Ellie absolutely loved to be a part of. It was a great night.
That definitely is one of the larger things she and I have done, but it's really been the small moments that we've shared in the last few months that have meant so much to me. Just tonight we had our weekly 'movie night' and had an amazing time. We were watching Tiger Woods win another PGA tournament on the 18th green and we were rolling around on the couch just giggling, tickling and forgetting about the rest of the world. We were safe, happy and together. Really, what more is there to life? Nothing.
The past few months I have tried to take time to sit by myself, enjoy the times of quiet and to enjoy listening to the conversations bounce off the walls within my own head. I have to come up for air every once in a while and ask others for advice or go to lunch just to get perspective, but it really has been great to go into the dark (as I previously described). I haven't made as much of a dent in the 3-season porch pile o' boxes, but I'm trying my best to do so. There always seems to be twice as many things to do than what I account for. If there were only those things I account for, I think I'd be able to make more progress out there, but as life usually has it - there's more crap to do than I can get done in 24 hours. I cant necessarily say that I've come to anymore peace with Leslie's death or that I still don't wish she were here every day, but I think I'm starting to get more perspective on how to continue forward. I can't say that I'm charging down some road to 'the future' but I do think that I'm at least not stuck in neutral anymore. There are some things that I do regret, but hey I think we all have things we'd like to have a second chance at, and that's okay as long as we don't repeat our mistakes or dwell too long on them. I'm working really hard on the latter. I'll have to let you know how it goes a few month from now.
The physical change is going slow as well, but I do feel progress being made. Flexibility, endurance and a very small amount of strength are all coming back around. I have to remember that it took me more than 6 months to get in the crappy place that I'm at right now and it's going to take me more than 6 weeks to get out of it. But I'm sure we know it's one thing to SAY that to ourselves and completely another to believe our words. I keep plugging away at it and trusting that I'm going to make my goal and be a better person for it. THe physical change is an integral part of the mental change for me too. So much of my outlook relies upon how I see myself in the mirror as well as how I think I'm progressing mentally. It's a road that I know won't be short, easy or without sacrifice - but then again what in life that is worthwhile ever is?
The next entry I'll go through the house and take pics to let you know where things are at - both inside and out as I've been trying to work outside in between rain drops too.
